Those with Chinese in-laws will instantaneously know what the title of the post means. Close family ties are a key feature of Chinese culture. Most Chinese parents will gasp at the idea of their kids moving out unless they relocate to a different place. And they tend to stay very involved in their children’s lives throughout their existence. The one-child policy brings the old tradition to a new height as parental attention is concentrated onto one kid. And it carries on even when the child is married, and especially after a grand child is born. The attention multiplies and shifts to the precious new one.

In China, grandparents have increasingly become primary caretakers of their grandchildren. Traditional family values provide the underlying basis. But some recent social and demographic developments have also greatly contributed to the situation. One major reason is that most Chinese women go back to work after having a child, leaving a void at home. A lot of middle class parents hire a full time nanny to take care of the baby while they work. I am included in this group. However, there are many more parents who don’t have the resources to do so or are unwillingly to hire a stranger to be their baby’s primary caretaker. Grandparents naturally come to the rescue. And most Chinese grandparents see child rearing as a key duty of being grandparents. They are willing to perform tasks usually done by the parents.

It’s even common for Chinese kids to live with their grandparents instead of their own parents. In fact, most of my friends and relatives with young children have made such arrangements. They only take the kids home on weekends. During the week, they visit a few times. I can’t imagine spending so much time away from my kid. But that seems to be the most practical solution for many people. I think this touches on a fundamental difference between Chinese and North American culture. It’s that after a child is born, the Chinese family completely readjusts their life for the kid, though sometimes not in the kid’s best interest. Parents and grandparents tend to see care giving as the most important aspect of bringing up a child. And it’s understandable because they often have limited financial options. We are at the lowest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs for child raising.  But it seems even people who have means choose this approach as well. Taking my cousin for example, he and his wife left their daughter under his parents’ care since she was born because both had to work to provide for the family. But as the kid grew up and their financial stability significantly improved, they continued the approach.  They chose preschool near the grandparents’ home, and now looking at elementary school nearby. Their daughter will probably spend her entire childhood living with her grandparents. And many people do the same thing. Therefore in China, parenting is in fact “grandparenting”.

A major cause of “grandparenting” is the one child policy which allows both sets of grandparents to have time and resources to care for one grand child. I was raised primarily by my parents, even though they both had to work. They asked a neighbor to look after me before I was enrolled in preschool. In their days, people did not have grandparents to rely on since they had siblings who also had children. Grandparents could not possibly care for all of them. But of course, many families back then prioritized sons and grandsons. Now the supply and demand dynamic has switched. There are abundant supply of grandparents. Two sets of grandparents often fight over who become primary caregivers. Often the ones with more financial resources and live closer to good schools win.

I often feel Chinese parents have the strongest can-do spirit. They believe that if they work hard and provide the best things for their children, they will most likely to succeed.  And most Chinese parents spend their lives trying to do so. You might think they have paid their dues but as soon as a grandchild is born, they are sucked into the old parenting cycle again.  No wonder Tiger Mom Amy Chua concludes that Chinese parents think their children owe their lives to them. Rightly so.